For many years, I’ve journaled every day as a way to retrain my brain to focus on the positive. It became a grounding ritual—something steady I could return to no matter what was happening around me. I still continue that practice, but lately, I’ve found myself slipping into moments of stress and overwhelm more often. The words are still there on the page, but they don’t seem to carry the same weight they once did. My anxiety has been creeping back in, and the things that once helped me manage it no longer seem to be enough.

Right now, I’m dealing with a lot of uncertainty. We’re living on a tight budget, there are unknowns surrounding work, and there is uncertainty within my family as well. It feels as though several different worries are piling up at once, each one feeding into the next. Even when I try to focus on one thing at a time, my mind jumps ahead to the next “what if.” Journaling or simply focusing on the things that make me happy used to help me reset, but now it feels like those efforts barely scratch the surface of what I’m carrying.

Lately, even trying to read something new or start a new television show has made me anxious. It’s like my brain resists anything unfamiliar, as if it doesn’t have the capacity to process one more thing. There have been entire weeks when I haven’t created anything, which only adds to the frustration because creating has always been such an important outlet for me. I’m also not sleeping well. I keep waking up throughout the night, and once I’m awake, my thoughts start racing. It can take forever to fall back asleep, and by morning, I feel drained before the day has even begun.

Earlier this year, I tried using an app that I hoped would help me better understand how my brain works and teach me healthier ways to deal with negative thoughts and anxiety. I went into it with good intentions, wanting to build new habits and find better tools. But, like so many other things in my life right now, I struggled to focus and stay consistent with it. It’s frustrating to want help and still feel like you can’t quite follow through.

The truth is, I’m not sure how to move past this. I don’t know how to regain my footing and start moving forward again. Part of me knows that this feeling won’t last forever—that I’ve been through difficult seasons before and found my way out—but right now, it’s hard to see the path clearly. It’s hard to trust that I’ll find my way back to a place that feels steady and manageable.

This should be an amazing year. We’ve made some of our dreams come true. We’re celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary, and we have so many wonderful things to look forward to. There are moments when I can see all of that clearly, when I feel grateful and present. But those moments feel fleeting, and the stress and anxiety keep creeping back in, stealing some of that joy from me. I hate that it’s happening, and I hate that I can’t seem to stop it.

For so long, I felt like I had my shit together. I had systems, routines, and coping mechanisms that worked. I felt capable and in control, even when life got messy.

So why do I suddenly feel like such a failure?

Maybe the harder truth is that I’m not a failure at all—I’m just overwhelmed, stretched thin, and in need of new ways to cope with a season that looks different from the ones before. Maybe this isn’t about losing everything I’ve built, but about learning how to adapt when what used to work no longer does. And maybe, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, that’s part of the process too.